Sky Mall

Most of you (at least the Americans; do they have a version of this in other countries?) have seen it, tucked in the seat pocket in front of you on almost any flight you’ve ever taken. Yes, I’m talking about Sky Mall. Guess what? They have a website. Now, you can enjoy the majesty of Sky Mall on solid ground! You may be able to tell from this post that I’ve been poking around the website the last few days, and I’ve selected a few of my favorites. Check it out.

Canine Genealogy Kit $59.95

“A professional laboratory tests a cotton swab that you simply rub against the inside of your dog’s cheek and send to the lab in the provided envelope.” For the pet owner who really has nothing better to spend their money on. This is my boss’ personal favorite.

Body Figure Enhancing Pads $19.95 – $29.95

“Just place them inside your pants or undergarments to create extra curves instantly.” Now that description sound just plain wrong! Shockingly, there are no reviews of this item; I’m pretty sure nobody wants to admit they own, let alone use a fake butt.

Deluxe Prism Glasses $49.95

“We’ve found the perfect solution for those who like to read in bed or watch TV while lying flat on your back.” Because not only are you lazy as hell, but you also don’t mind looking like an utter dipshit.

Wish Wraps $38.99 – $69.99

“Just what you wished for – a cozy wrap you can wear around the house or around town. It features a Wish Pocket that lets you carry your fondest wishes with you wherever you go.” I happen to know this is Tiffiny and Cheryl’s personal favorite; I think it’s the blurb that really sold me on it.

USB Cup Warmer $11.99

Really?

iPhone Telephoto Lens $59.95

Now you, too, can be a concert photographer! No need to have the same shitty photos everyone next to you with an iPhone takes! You can have shitty zoomed in photos!

Slumbersleeves $19.95

“The SlumberSleeve is popular with college students or office workers taking a quick nap on a desk between classes or during a break.” And it looks so comfy, too!

Spirit of the Wilderness Shirt $49.95

I saved the best for last, didn’t I? “Captivating artwork of gathering wolf families in the moonlight stands out against the dusky blue hue of this dramatic women’s shirt. Further accented with the scripted words “Spirit of the Wilderness,” this is one wardrobe essential you’ll cherish for years to come.” I want to make sure you are aware I did not make that up. It’s actually there if you click through.

Please take a look at some of this stuff; it’s comedy gold, people! The single greatest achievement of capitalism thus far. And let me know which cherished item is your favorite!